What If I'm Not Perfect?

The honest truth is that I'm terrified to be a mother. I used to be ready for children. I used to be so excited to have children. Now, I worry that I'm not ready. I feel that since I've had four years to prepare, I should be perfect. And I'm not. And that frightens me.
I thought the time would allow for me to grow and become the best person possible. That I would be able to figure everything out. And then, when I did have children, I would be the most wonderful mother. But I think the time has just let me see all the things I don't know about children.
People tell me it's different with your own children, but I don't see how having a child makes you know about illnesses and safety and all the little things you have to think about.
It scares me, but it also makes me sad. I've become fearful and even a bit jaded. I'm not the same happy, excited woman that I used to be. I worry that I will be one of those paranoid, frantic mothers.
How do I become the person I used to be?

On My Journey

I've been struggling with this "trying to conceive" notion for a long time. My husband and I were married almost four years ago and we still do not have any children. I always thought I would have kids right away. I thought I would get pregnant shortly after getting married, take silly photos of my growing belly, and then have a sweet little baby. I never expected two miscarriages and four years of trying. No one ever does. I know that.
Sometimes I feel so empty, like there is a piece of me missing. I feel like less of a woman because I couldn't keep those two pregnancies. I know it's not my fault, but that doesn't change how I feel in my darkest moments.
I want this blog to be the truth about my feelings. I always tell people I'm fine, that I know we will have children one day. And then I go home and cry to myself. I want to be able to show other women, who are suffering like I am, that they aren't alone and maybe bring a little hope of a brighter day.